Breastfeeding Chaya has been a rollercoaster ride. So many ups and downs, so many things have happened I never expected. Chaya is my fourth baby. I have breastfed her siblings for 16, 23, and 36 months each with only minor difficulties. I never expected to have any trouble the fourth time around! But trouble we have had. I have given up and and thrown the towel in more times than I can recall, but somehow when the next feed is due, I’m there, giving more than I thought I had.
It has reminded me of a song we sing at Passover called Dayenu, meaning “it would have been enough”. The song is very positive – listing all these miracles Hashem has showered on us and saying “If Hashem had just done this miracle, it would have been enough!” but still Hashem blessed us with more!
The piece I wrote was originally written in the opposite way – if I’d just had this one set back, it would have been enough! (Please! ENOUGH already!). But then it evolved and I realised, that at each set back I thought it was over, and it wasn’t. Each set back (though admittedly very painful and hard), was a chance to grow, and stretch further than I realised I could.
This isn’t necessarily a success story. I don’t know how long we’ll last. I do hope we will manage to wean off the supply line and breastfeed normally, but today I’m not confident. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow though. 😉
Breastfeeding Dayenu, by Talia Carbis
When she wasn’t gaining weight I thought it was over.
When she preferred the bottle over the boob I thought it was over.
When her list of food intolerances were completely overwhelming I thought it was over.
When I first had to use formula I thought it was over.
When I could only pump 20ml in 2 hours I thought it was over.
When we didn’t see the LC till she was 3 months old I thought it was over.
When we discovered the extent of her mouth problems I thought it was over.
When I broke down crying (again) (and again) I thought it was over.
When I was so angry I screamed I thought it was over.
When I was so desperate I begged my baby to feed normally I thought it was over.
When my breast pump died (two of them!) I thought it was over.
When I was sick and had to go to the hospital I thought it was over.
When we went for weeks on the bottle with no breastfeeding I thought it was over.
When we realised she also had a tongue tie I thought it was over.
When she started getting distracted in the breast I thought it was over.
When I couldn’t get the hang of the bloody supply line I thought it was over.
When I realised how much washing up was involved in feeding this baby I thought it was over.
When my supply dipped I thought it was over.
When she got a hectic cold that lasted two weeks I thought it was over.
When her low muscle tone was still so low, after all the work I thought it was over.
When I was 1 month in to my days revolving around pumping, supply line, washing up, repeat I thought it was over.
When I was 2 months in to my days revolving around pumping, supply line, washing up, repeat I thought it was over.
When I was 3 months in to my days revolving around pumping, supply line, washing up, repeat I thought it was over.
When I lost a part of the supply line I thought it was over.
When I lost the tape I thought it was over.
When COVID hit I thought it was over.
When I found out I now had to homeschool 3 children on top of it all I thought it was over.
When she got all tight again and I couldn’t get in to see the chiro I thought it was over.
Wen she was underfed and constipated I thought it was over.
When I realised she wouldn’t even close her mouth without the supply line starting to drip in I thought it was over.
Today I thought it was over. But it’s not.
